The 7 best white elephant gifts that are worth stealing

The best white elephant gifts are the ones that create a bit of intrigue as soon as they enter the gift pile. And a full-size, 4.3-pound firelog wrapped in holiday paper is impossible not to notice. It will almost certainly dwarf every other gift that’s up for grabs, and will prompt endless questions and speculation about what could be in the weird, surprisingly heavy box.

The fact that the comically-large box holds a KFC fried chicken-scented firelog makes the whole gag even more amusing. I have a gas fireplace at home, so I, sadly, have no idea what the KFC 11 Herbs and Spices firelog actually smells like. Many online reviews claim it smells “exactly” like the inside of a KFC. Whether that’s appealing to you or not probably depends on your affinity for the Colonel. But I cannot think of a more delightful gift to bestow on someone who just really wanted to see what was inside the big, heavy box. — Karissa Bell, Senior Reporter

Is there really any point to sushi or noodle night if you’re not consuming your food with utensils protected by The Force? No. The answer is no. These lightsaber chopsticks glow in different colors with just the press of a button and come with included batteries so your giftee can get right to protecting their plates from the forces of evil. Sure, they will be a hit among Star Wars fanatics, but anyone can find joy in a pair of extra-powerful chopsticks with which to have impromptu “food fights” in between bites of sashimi. — Valentina Palladino, Deputy Editor

Who doesn’t want their living room to look like a galaxy far, far away? Your giftee might have to battle their young children (or others in your gift exchange) for this galaxy projector, which shines different light effects up onto the ceiling with adjustable brightness and speed. They can use it to achieve the perfect vibe for their next Star Wars binge watch party, or to soothingly usher themselves to sleep on a nightly basis. In addition to an included remote and a companion app, the projector has a timer too so they can set it to turn off just as they fall asleep. The mobile app will let them customize all aspects of their personal space field, from its nebula and twinkling effects, to the swirling colors, to the music that they pair with it (yes, there’s a speaker built in as well). Forget those boring old smart light bulbs — this galaxy projector is the smart device that will level-up anyone’s home environment. — V.P.

If the goal of a White Elephant gift is to be a form of low-key torture, then the Clocky Alarm Clock on Wheels might be the greatest White Elephant gift of all time. (Well, except for those weirdos who wake up at 4:30 AM every day bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.) It’s an alarm clock that, if your giftee tries to hit the snooze button, runs away from them continuing to beep, telling them in no uncertain terms it’s time to get up. And every morning, they’ll stumble out of bed drowsily cursing your name. – Terrence O’Brien, Former Managing Editor

The Banana Phone is exactly what you’d expect it to be — a banana that’s also a phone. It might not have a SIM card or a service plan attached to it, but your giftee can pair it with their smartphone via Bluetooth so they can ditch that tired, $1,000+ handset and start taking calls the right way — with a piece of fruit. In addition to taking and making calls, they can also use the Banana Phone with the Google Assistant and Siri, to ask about the weather or tell it to “Play Cruel Summer by Bananarama.” Yes, the Banana Phone also works as a Bluetooth speaker and has a 30-foot range, so it can play tunes whenever they’re not using it to conduct official business. — V.P.

So maybe your recipient would be able to easily throw this into a junk drawer, but we don’t think they’ll want to. Apple’s silly, ridiculously priced polishing cloth might actually be a white elephant gift people would want to receive. Is it excessive for what it is? Probably. Is it useful for basically anybody since we all have dozens of screens, big and small, in our lives now? Definitely. Apparently plenty of folks saw the utility in this thing since there were weeks-long waits to get it back when it first came out in 2021. Now, thankfully, it’s more readily available — which might be the most important thing to you if you find yourself wandering around the mall or scouring Amazon trying to find the perfect white elephant gift. — V.P.

IRL weapons are lame — unless the ammunition is sugar-based. The MMX Marshmallow Crossbow fires “slightly dry” marshmallows up to 60 feet, so think of this as a much tastier version of a Nerf gun. Just imagine: one person with this crossbow and a bag of Jet Puffed can deliver sugar bombs to everyone in the room without ever getting off the couch. If that’s not a storybook holiday scenario, I don’t know what is. The launcher itself is preciously artisanal: made from copper, aluminum, natural rubber and North American hardwood, and each one is machined and assembled by hand. In Canada, no less. — Amy Skorheim, Reporter